Happily Ever After?

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Growing up, most of us imagined that we would find the perfect companion and live happily ever after, with no troubles, because love conquers all, after all. I certainly did!

However, relationships are never easy. How could they be?

As a wife and couples counsellor at Incontact Counselling & Training in Singapore, I always see this ‘romantic fairy-tale’ view in my work with couples. Nonetheless, we are seeing significantly more couples in crisis today than ever before, and Covid has played a significant role in this.

So how much disharmony can a relationship bear and still be good enough?

Interestingly 70%-30% is what the principal researchers use.

70% misalignment and 30% alignment as long as there is repair (Real, 2022).

What Is Repair? It is not an admission that you were wrong or your partner is right. It is an act of loving behaviour toward your partner & the relationship you share. It is about prioritising your relationship and ensuring that the relationship wins.

Monkey see, monkey do. Where have we learned to communicate? At home is where we learn the basics and often toxic behaviour patterns. However, who among us invests in acquiring good relationship communication skills? Why do we take an ‘I’ (individualistic) stance versus an ‘us’ (relational) stance in a relationship?

We invest in our careers by spending a few years at a third-level institution or working in an industry where we want to gain skills. We are constantly upgrading ourselves to stay competitive in the job market. However, our relationships are one of the most significant investments we will ever make. So why does no one encourage us to invest in it by working on our personal challenges and communication skills? How many of us have done some planning before getting married or committing to a long-term relationship?

“Every marriage is a consequence of childhood. The unconscious mind wants to heal these wounds, but this can only be achieved if both participants in a relationship know what those wounds are. We become partners with each other in the project of helping each other finish childhood” (Hendrix, 2001).

Unfortunately, most people only realise this when they are in a significant relationship crisis. Then you have two choices. You may either hide your head in the sand and hope it all goes away or ride the storm and seek expert assistance. 

Both paths have ramifications. The first postpones the inevitable, while the second might be an uncomfortable step forward to examining the relationship while making personal improvements for the ‘us’ in the partnership. 

Although relationships are rewarding, like your physical health, you need to work on it daily through exercise or nutrition. So why do we need to remember the importance of working consistently on our relationships and instead tend to leave it on the back burner until some crisis surfaces?

“We are products of our past, but we do not have to be prisoners of it.” (Rick Warren)

As difficult as it is to believe, it takes four generations to change a family and the patterns we learned there. However, everything stays the same if we continue to hit the tennis ball the same way we always have. We at Incontact in Singapore know we can assist you, but keeping a relationship healthy takes time and effort and adds a few new shots to your repertoire.

Are you willing to accept the challenge?