Hi there, I’m Aarti, Founder and Lead Counsellor at Incontact. Welcome to the 12th edition of 1-1-2 Inspire!
I’m generally quite attuned to the needs of those around me—family, friends, colleagues. Caring for those around me has always felt natural and important. But over the years, I’ve noticed how many people tip to the other extreme, distancing themselves from this instinct in an attempt to “fix” their people-pleasing tendencies. In trying to set boundaries, they end up disconnecting entirely.
People-pleasing has been vilified in recent years, often reduced to something we must “fix.” But is it really that simple? In this edition of 1-1-2 Inspire, let’s explore the fine line between connection and self-abandonment.
What if people-pleasing is not inherently bad but rather a natural instinct that needs balance?
Here’s 1 story, 1 takeaway, and 2 tips to revisit and reframe our people-pleasing spectrum.
1 Story
People-pleasing spectrum
One of my clients, let’s call her Meera, came to me feeling exhausted. She had spent years bending over backward for people in her life—saying yes when she wanted to say no, avoiding conflict at all costs, and feeling like she was constantly responsible for keeping the peace. She was burnt out, resentful, and disconnected from herself.
When we explored the root of her behavior, we found that it wasn’t about weakness or a lack of boundaries. Meera had grown up in a home where harmony was important. Expressing her needs often led to tension, so she learned that pleasing others kept her safe. She carried this pattern into adulthood, confusing connection with compliance.
Meera wasn’t wrong for wanting to be kind and accommodating. What we needed to work on was intention and balance.
The origins of people-pleasing
Many of us develop people-pleasing tendencies as a survival instinct. From an evolutionary perspective, our ancestors depended on social bonds for safety. Rejection could mean isolation and isolation meant danger. This explains why people-pleasing is deeply wired into us—it’s an effort to maintain belonging.
For some, this instinct is amplified by early experiences. If you grew up in a household where love felt conditional or where conflict was unsafe, you may have learned that pleasing others was the path to acceptance. Over time, this becomes second nature.
The two extremes
People-pleasing exists on a continuum:
On one end, healthy people-pleasing fosters warmth, cooperation, and strong relationships. It allows us to be adaptable and empathetic.
On the other end, self-abandoning people-pleasing leads to exhaustion, resentment, and a loss of personal identity. It happens when we consistently prioritize others at our own expense.
“The key is not to stop caring, but to care differently—in a way that includes yourself in the equation.”
When people-pleasing is really an escape
On the flip side, I once worked with a client—let’s call him Rohan—who was convinced he was a people-pleaser. He would disengage from conflict quickly, avoid addressing issues, and say things like, “I just don’t want to deal with the drama.” But as we worked together, he realized that his behavior wasn’t really about pleasing others—it was about avoiding discomfort.
Rohan wasn’t a people-pleaser. He was an escape artist, mistaking avoidance for kindness. He wasn’t prioritizing relationships; he was dodging the emotional work that comes with them. Sometimes, what we call people-pleasing is actually self-protection in disguise.
1 Takeaway
Connection without self-compromise
The most transformative lesson from The Gifts of Imperfection is this: vulnerability is not weakness; it is strength. It takes immense courage to show up and be seen, especially when we’re unsure of the outcome.
Not all people-pleasing is unhealthy. Wanting to meet others’ needs can be an expression of care and emotional intelligence. The problem arises when it comes at the cost of your own well-being.
Instead of seeing people-pleasing as something to eliminate, try seeing it as something to refine. Ask yourself:
- Am I doing this out of fear or love?
- Am I abandoning my own needs to make others comfortable?
- Would I still do this if I wasn’t worried about their reaction?
The goal is not to reject kindness but to balance self-respect with empathy. True connection happens when you can show up as yourself, not just as someone who exists to make others happy.
