Exhausting pursuit of being understood

Hi there, I’m Aarti, Founder and Lead Counsellor at Incontact. There is a particular kind of exhaustion that does not come from doing too much, but from explaining too much. It comes from the repeated effort of clarifying what we meant, why we reacted a certain way, why we needed space, why something hurt us, or why a decision that made sense internally may not look that way from the outside.

At first, this can look like good communication. In many situations, it is. Healthy relationships need explanation, context, repair, and the willingness to help another person understand our inner world. But sometimes, the need to explain ourselves is no longer about clarity. It becomes an attempt to feel safe inside someone else’s perception of us.

This edition reflects on a quiet but powerful form of emotional freedom: learning that not everyone needs to fully understand you for you to be at peace with yourself.

1 Story — The need to be completely understood

In my work, I often meet people who are thoughtful, self-aware, and careful with their words. They are not careless communicators. In fact, they often communicate a great deal. They explain their feelings clearly, offer context, try to be fair, avoid blaming language, and make a genuine effort to help the other person see the full picture.

And yet, after some conversations, they feel strangely unsettled.

The discomfort is not always because they were unclear, but because the other person still did not seem to fully understand. So they try again. They send another message, replay the conversation, think of a better sentence they could have used, and wonder if they sounded too emotional, too cold, too defensive, too needy, or too distant.

What they are seeking in these moments is not simply understanding. Often, they are seeking relief from the discomfort of being misread, from the fear that someone now holds an unfair version of them, or from an older feeling that being misunderstood could lead to judgement, rejection, or blame.

This pattern usually has a history.

For some people, being misunderstood in the past was not a small or passing discomfort. It carried consequences. Perhaps they were blamed for things they did not mean, their emotions were dismissed as overreactions, or they had to explain themselves repeatedly before they were taken seriously. Perhaps they grew up around people who assumed the worst unless they could prove otherwise.

So in adulthood, misunderstanding does not always feel neutral. It can feel threatening. A small misreading can awaken a much older fear: if they do not understand me, I am not safe.

This is why over-explaining can become so automatic. It is not necessarily weakness, neediness, or poor communication. Very often, it is a nervous system trying to restore safety through words.

Some people cannot meet us with nuance. Some listen through their own wounds. Some are attached to a version of us that protects their version of the story. Others may simply not have the emotional capacity to understand what we are trying to say.

At some point, healing asks a difficult but freeing question: can I remain steady, even when someone does not fully get me?

1 Insight — Being misunderstood is uncomfortable, but not always dangerous

There is a difference between being misunderstood and being unsafe, although for many of us, the two can feel very similar.

When someone misreads our intention, we may feel an urgent need to correct it. When someone does not see our side, we may feel compelled to keep talking until they do. When someone forms an incomplete opinion of us, we may feel restless until we repair the image.

Emotional maturity often involves learning to tolerate being partly misunderstood.

This does not mean misunderstanding is unimportant. In healthy relationships, we should care about understanding one another, especially when there has been hurt, conflict, or distance. But we also need to recognise the difference between communication and self-abandonment.

Communication says, “Here is what I meant.” Self-abandonment says, “I cannot rest until you see me exactly as I want to be seen.”

Communication offers clarity. Self-abandonment chases control. This is where many people get stuck. They believe they are only trying to express themselves, but underneath, they may also be trying to manage another person’s perception of them.

The painful truth is that peace cannot come from managing every version of yourself that exists in someone else’s mind.

The deeper work is not to become perfectly understood by everyone, but to become less dependent on being perfectly understood before you can feel okay. There is a quiet strength in being able to say, “I have explained myself clearly enough, and I can let this person have an incomplete picture.”

Sometimes, peace begins at the point where explanation ends.

2 tools to practise being partly misunderstood

Tool 1 — Stop after one clear sentence

The next time you feel the urge to over-explain, pause and ask yourself whether you have already said the true thing clearly. Sometimes the most honest sentence is also the simplest one: “I was hurt by what happened,” “I need some time before I respond,” “That does not work for me,” “I did not mean it that way,” or “I see it differently.”

These sentences do not defend your entire character. They do not contain every detail, every reason, or every possible clarification. They simply state the truth.

After one clear sentence, practise stopping.

This may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you are used to making your truth more acceptable by adding context, softening your tone, or anticipating the other person’s response. You may feel the pull to explain more, justify more, or prevent every possible misunderstanding before it happens.

But stopping is not withdrawal. It is self-trust. It is the practice of believing that clarity does not require you to become consumed by another person’s interpretation.

Tool 2 — Ask: am I clarifying, or am I trying to feel safe?

Before sending the second message, giving the longer explanation, or replaying the conversation again, gently ask yourself whether you are clarifying something important or trying to feel safe by making sure the other person understands you.

This question is not meant to shame you. It is meant to help you notice what is really happening underneath the urge to keep explaining.

Clarifying usually feels grounded. It is specific, brief, and connected to the present moment. Trying to feel safe often feels urgent. It comes with anxiety, rumination, and a sense that you cannot relax until the other person sees it your way.

This is not easy work, especially if being misunderstood once cost you something. But slowly, your body can learn that not every misunderstanding is an emergency. Some are simply uncomfortable moments you can survive without abandoning yourself.

Being understood is a beautiful human need. In close relationships, it matters deeply. But the need to be fully understood by everyone can quietly become a prison.

There is freedom in clear communication, and there is another kind of freedom in knowing when to stop. You can explain yourself with care, offer the truth, and repair where repair is needed, while still allowing some people to misunderstand you without chasing after the version of you they carry.

Not every part of you needs to be translated for every person. Some parts can remain intact within you.

Truth delivered with care.

With warmth and care,

Aarti ❤️