Feedback, honesty, and the dignity in between

Hi there, I’m Aarti, Founder and Lead Counsellor at Incontact. Welcome to this edition of 1-1-2 Inspire, where we bring you one story, one insight, and two tools to nurture emotional clarity and connection.

Feedback is something we encounter everywhere. At work, in our relationships, and even within our families. Most of us have been told that honest feedback helps people grow. That directness is a virtue. That being “tough” with someone is sometimes necessary for their improvement.

Yet in my therapy room, I often see the other side of that belief.

Highly capable people who were told they were being helped through harsh critique but who quietly internalised something else entirely: a sense that they were not enough.

This edition reflects on a question that matters deeply to me:

1 Story — When feedback becomes a wound

In professional environments, directness is often celebrated. Many leaders are taught that strong feedback sharpens performance.

The intention may be development, but the impact is not always what was intended.

Over the years, I have worked with high-performing professionals who could recount specific sentences spoken to them years earlier. The exact words. The tone. The moment the room went quiet.

What stayed with them was not the technical point of the feedback.

What stayed was how small they felt in that moment.

One client once told me something that stayed with me.

He said, “The feedback itself was correct. But the way it was delivered made me feel like I shouldn’t even be in the room.”

That distinction matters.

This dynamic does not live only in offices.

It appears in marriages when partners correct each other in frustration.

It appears in families when parents try to motivate their children through comparison.

It appears in friendships when honesty arrives without care.

A comment may be accurate. Yet if it lands with humiliation or contempt, the nervous system does not hear guidance.

It hears a threat.

Once a threat enters the room, growth quietly leaves it.

1 Insight — The psychology of feedback

From a psychological perspective, learning happens when two conditions exist simultaneously:

Clarity of message.

Safety of delivery.

Without clarity, feedback becomes vague or confusing.

Without safety, feedback becomes threatening.

When the brain perceives a threat, it activates survival systems. These systems prioritise protection, not curiosity. The mind moves into defence, withdrawal, or self-doubt.

In that state, people stop listening for improvement. They start listening for danger.

This is why feedback that feels belittling rarely produces the growth it hopes to create.

The nervous system must feel respected before it can remain open to correction.

In therapy, we speak about co-regulation. The steadiness of another person’s presence determines whether someone feels safe enough to stay engaged.

The same principle applies far beyond the therapy room.

Whether we are giving feedback to a colleague, a partner, a child, or a friend, the delivery determines whether the other person feels invited into growth or pushed into self-protection.

The real skill in feedback is not bluntness.

It is relational awareness.

2 tools to offer feedback that strengthens, not shrinks

Tool 1 — The dignity check

Before giving feedback, pause for a moment and ask yourself one quiet question:

Will the way I say this protect the other person’s dignity?

You do not need to dilute the message. Clarity matters.

What matters equally is the tone and posture in which the message is delivered.

A useful structure can be:

• Start with what you appreciate or recognise
• Name the observation clearly
• Invite reflection rather than impose judgment

For example:

“Your analysis is strong, and I value the thought you put into it. There is one area that might benefit from a different approach. What do you think about exploring it together?”

The content remains honest. The delivery keeps the door open.

Tool 2 — The 24-hour reflection

When receiving feedback that feels harsh, the instinctive response is often defensiveness or self-criticism.

Instead, try a small mental pause.

Give the feedback 24 hours of distance.

Then reflect on two questions:

What part of this feedback might contain useful information?

What part of the delivery says more about the other person than about me?

Separating the message from the emotional tone helps you reclaim agency.

Not all feedback deserves to become your inner voice.

Growth rarely happens in environments where people feel small.

In workplaces, families, or friendships, the way we speak to one another shapes how safe people feel to learn, stretch, and evolve.

Directness has value. Yet dignity has power.

When feedback preserves both clarity and respect, that’s when it strengthens capability without weakening confidence.

In a world that often confuses bluntness with honesty, we have an opportunity to practice something more thoughtful.

Truth delivered with care.

With warmth and care,

Aarti ❤️