When someone keeps disappointing you
Hi there, I’m Aarti, Founder and Lead Counsellor at Incontact. One of the more painful conversations I have in therapy is not about conflict.
It is about disappointment that keeps repeating.
A parent who never quite shows up. A partner who makes the same promise again. A friend who is thoughtful one week and absent the next.
What makes these situations so exhausting is that each disappointment often comes with the same quiet thought:
“Maybe next time will be different.”
Hope keeps us going. But sometimes, it also keeps us waiting.
1 Story — Waiting for a different version of someone
Over the years, I have heard many versions of the same story.
Someone tells me about a relationship that has been hurting them for years.
As they speak, a pattern begins to emerge.
The person has apologised before. They have promised to change before. They have disappointed them before.
Yet each new promise feels like a fresh beginning.
Not because they are naïve.
Because they care.
Because relationships matter.
Because letting go of hope is painful.
Then, somewhere in the conversation, they quietly ask:
“How many chances do I give before I accept this is who they are?”
That question is rarely about the other person.
It is about the grief of realising the relationship may never become what they had hoped it would be.
1 Insight — Sometimes we are grieving the relationship we hoped for
When someone disappoints us repeatedly, we often focus on their behaviour.
But sometimes the deeper pain comes from something else.
We are holding on to the relationship we hoped we would have.
The parent who would finally understand. The partner who would eventually change. The friend who would one day show up in the way we needed.
There is nothing wrong with hoping.
People do grow.
Relationships can change.
But healing begins when we stop relating to someone’s potential and start relating to who they are today.
This is not about lowering your standards.
Nor is it about giving up on people.
It is about seeing reality clearly enough to make wise decisions.
Sometimes the hardest grief is not losing a person. It is letting go of the future you imagined with them.
2 tools to help you see the relationship more clearly
Tool 1 — Look for patterns, not promises
When someone apologises or promises to change, notice what happens over time.
Ask yourself:
“Am I holding on to what they say, or what they consistently do?”
Patterns often tell us more than intentions.
Tool 2 — Ask yourself what you’re waiting for
If you have been disappointed by the same person many times, gently ask:
“What am I hoping will change?”
Then ask:
“Has there been enough evidence that this change is happening?”
These questions are not meant to take away hope.
They are meant to help you place your hope where it has room to grow.
There is a difference between giving someone another chance and waiting indefinitely for them to become someone else.
One is an act of grace. The other can become an act of self-abandonment.
Some relationships do change. Some people surprise us.
But some of the deepest peace comes when we stop waiting for a different version of someone and begin responding to the person who is actually in front of us.
That kind of clarity is not giving up.
Sometimes, it is the beginning of acceptance.
With warmth and care,
Aarti ❤️
