Parenting yourself while parenting your kids

Hi there, I’m Aarti, Founder and Lead Counsellor at Incontact. Welcome to the 10th edition of 1-1-2 Inspire!

Over the years, I’ve seen countless parents walk into my counseling space, weighed down by questions like, “Why do I lose my patience so quickly?” or “Am I passing down the same issues I struggled with as a child?”

If I’m being honest, I’ve asked myself those same questions too.

Parenting is hard, not because children come with endless challenges, but because they mirror us in ways we’re not always ready to face. Their emotions, struggles, and behaviors often shine a light on our own unresolved wounds.

This realization hit me like a tidal wave when I first read Parenting from the Inside Out by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell. It taught me this:

So, let’s talk about what it means to truly parent yourself while parenting your kids.

Here’s 1 story, 1 takeaway, and 2 tips to see you through a brighter week.

Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, but it does come with a mirror.

That mirror shows up in the form of a toddler’s tantrum when you’re running late for work, a teenager’s defiance when all you crave is connection, or even a simple “Why?” from your child that strikes a nerve you didn’t know existed.

This mirror forces us to look inward, uncovering parts of ourselves we’ve kept hidden for years—our fears, frustrations, and unmet needs. For some of us, these reflections can be deeply uncomfortable.

This is where Parenting from the Inside Out Parenting from the Inside Out offers invaluable wisdom. Dr. Siegel and Hartzell emphasize that our past experiences, especially those from childhood, shape the way we react to our kids. If we were raised in an environment where emotions weren’t expressed or validated, we might struggle to validate our child’s feelings. If we faced criticism growing up, we might unknowingly mirror that criticism in our parenting.

But here’s the hopeful part: we can break the cycle.

By becoming more aware of our own stories—acknowledging where we come from and how those experiences shape our parenting—we can respond to our kids with more empathy, intention, and love.

One concept that stood out to me was the importance of making sense of your story. This doesn’t mean revisiting every painful memory, but rather reflecting on your childhood experiences with compassion and curiosity. When we make sense of our own emotional world, we give ourselves the power to choose how we parent, instead of unconsciously repeating patterns.

For example, a parent who was often told to “toughen up” as a child might notice themselves saying the same thing to their child when they cry. But with self-awareness, that parent can pause, acknowledge their initial reaction, and instead offer their child the comfort they once needed.

Parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence. And being present for your child starts with being present for yourself.

The best gift you can give your child isn’t a perfect parent—it’s an emotionally attuned one.

When you take the time to reflect on your triggers and patterns, you stop the unconscious transfer of pain from one generation to the next. You teach your child that it’s okay to feel, to struggle, and to grow.

Healing yourself isn’t selfish; it’s a legacy. It allows your child to inherit not just your love, but your courage to face life with vulnerability and resilience.

The next time your child’s behavior triggers a strong emotional response, pause. Ask yourself:

• “What does this remind me of from my own childhood?”
• “Am I reacting to my child or to my past?”

This simple act of reflection can help you respond with compassion instead of reacting impulsively.

Take 10 minutes to write about these questions:

• What messages did I receive about emotions growing up?
• What are three things I wish my parents had done differently?
• What do I want my child to remember about me as a parent?

Reflecting on these prompts can help you understand your parenting instincts and reshape them with intention.

Parenting is one of life’s greatest adventures—and its greatest mirrors. Remember, the most important work you’ll do as a parent starts within.

Here’s to breaking cycles, building connections, and raising both yourself and your child with grace.

Warm wishes,

Aarti