Reframing people-pleasing
Here’s 1 story, 1 takeaway, and 2 tips to revisit and reframe our people-pleasing spectrum.
1 Story
People-pleasing spectrum
One of my clients, let’s call her Meera, came to me feeling exhausted. She had spent years bending over backward for people in her life—saying yes when she wanted to say no, avoiding conflict at all costs, and feeling like she was constantly responsible for keeping the peace. She was burnt out, resentful, and disconnected from herself.
When we explored the root of her behavior, we found that it wasn’t about weakness or a lack of boundaries. Meera had grown up in a home where harmony was important. Expressing her needs often led to tension, so she learned that pleasing others kept her safe. She carried this pattern into adulthood, confusing connection with compliance.
Meera wasn’t wrong for wanting to be kind and accommodating. What we needed to work on was intention and balance.
The origins of people-pleasing
Many of us develop people-pleasing tendencies as a survival instinct. From an evolutionary perspective, our ancestors depended on social bonds for safety. Rejection could mean isolation and isolation meant danger. This explains why people-pleasing is deeply wired into us—it’s an effort to maintain belonging.
For some, this instinct is amplified by early experiences. If you grew up in a household where love felt conditional or where conflict was unsafe, you may have learned that pleasing others was the path to acceptance. Over time, this becomes second nature.
The two extremes
People-pleasing exists on a continuum:
On one end, healthy people-pleasing fosters warmth, cooperation, and strong relationships. It allows us to be adaptable and empathetic.
On the other end, self-abandoning people-pleasing leads to exhaustion, resentment, and a loss of personal identity. It happens when we consistently prioritize others at our own expense.
2 tools to balance caring for others with caring for yourself
Tool #1: The “Pause and Check-In” Rule
The next time you feel the urge to say yes to something, pause. Ask yourself: “Am I saying yes because I genuinely want to, or because I feel obligated?” 
If it’s obligation-driven, try saying, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This small shift gives you time to assess your true feelings before committing.
