The beauty of remaining strangers

Hi there, I’m Aarti, Founder and Lead Counsellor at Incontact. Welcome to this edition of 1-1-2 Inspire, where we bring you one story, one insight, and two tools to nurture emotional clarity and connection.

Over the years of counselling couples, I’ve noticed something subtle but powerful: the moment people believe they “completely know” their partner, they begin to lose some of the spark that once brought them together.

1 Story—The illusion of “knowing someone completely”

A client once said to me, “After two decades together, I can predict every word that will come out of his mouth.”

There was pride in her voice—but also a tiredness she didn’t name.

Familiarity had become a script. Nothing felt new. Nothing felt alive.

We often equate closeness with complete understanding. But there is a quiet danger in that belief:

When we think we already know someone, we stop being curious about them.

And when curiosity fades, desire does too.

I’m often reminded of Esther Perel’s insight:

1 Insight—Curiosity keeps love alive, and risk keeps desire alive

Relationships rarely fade because love disappears.

More often, they fade because curiosity and courage fall away.

Curiosity lets us see who our partner is becoming.

Risk—small, intentional risk—lets us show who we are becoming.

It could be trying something new together, or sending that slightly bold text you’d usually censor.

It’s not about shock value.

It’s about reminding each other:

There is more to discover here.

When the relationship stops surprising you, it isn’t because the other person stopped growing—it’s because both partners stopped looking with fresh eyes.

2 Tools to rekindle curiosity (and a little boldness) in long-term love

Ask the questions you’ve never asked.

Move beyond routines.

Try questions like:

• “What’s something you secretly wish for these days?”
• “What’s one dream you’ve outgrown—and one you’ve grown into?”
• “What’s something about you that would surprise even me?”

New questions open new doors.

They signal: You’re not a concluded story to me..

Re-encounter each other with intention and play.

Step outside the script of everyday life.

This could mean:

• taking a class neither of you has tried,
• exploring a new neighbourhood,
• revisiting your earliest dating rituals,
• reading something together you can talk about… or sending that playful, flirty, slightly “spicy” text that disrupts the predictability.

Tiny disruptions create fresh energy.

They remind your partner—and you—that there are still edges, still surprises, still parts of you not yet revealed.

The secret of long-lasting love isn’t preserving who you were.

It’s being brave enough to keep discovering who you’re becoming—individually and together.

Maybe intimacy isn’t about having known someone deeply, but choosing to keep knowing them—again and again, in new ways.

With warmth,

Aarti ❤️