Loving someone through all their versions

Hi there, I’m Aarti, Founder and Lead Counsellor at Incontact. Welcome to this week’s edition of 1-1-2 Inspire — one story, one takeaway, and two tools to elevate your work and life.

Over the years, in my own marriage and in countless sessions with couples, I’ve seen a quiet truth emerge:

The person you love today is not the same person you met. And they won’t be the same person you’ll love ten years from now.

Sometimes this evolution feels exciting. Sometimes it feels like a loss.

And sometimes it feels like you’re standing at the edge of a cliff, trying to recognize the face of the person you thought you knew.

This week’s story is about that — the art (and ache) of loving someone as they change.

1 Story—The thousand funerals of long-term love

Heidi Priebe writes:

“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be.”

When I first read that, I felt it in my bones.

Love is not just about witnessing someone’s joy, their milestones, their bright days. It’s about walking with them through every death of the self — the shedding of identities, dreams, and capacities.

The man who once dreamed of starting a business now longs for a quieter life.

The woman who was always the life of the party now finds comfort in solitude.

The partner who used to wake up with boundless energy now battles fatigue that shapes every day.

Our instinct is to want them “back.”

We remember the spark, the vitality, the version that made us fall in love. We want to resuscitate it — quickly.

The hard truth is:

It’s not our job to hold someone accountable to who they used to be. It’s our job to travel with them between each version, to stand at the threshold of the unfamiliar and choose curiosity over resistance.

When we fight change, we fight reality. When we honor it, we become the safe place where new versions can land.

1 Takeaway—Love as a moving target

Love in real life isn’t static. It shifts with health, careers, losses, children, seasons, and inner awakenings. The promises we make when we start a life together — whether spoken in a ceremony, shared in private, or simply felt in our hearts — are not to a single, fixed person. They are to every version yet to come.

This means love is less about preservation and more about adaptation. The greatest gift you can give your partner isn’t keeping them the same — it’s letting them grow, even if it means grieving who they were.

2 Tools to love someone through change

Hold a memorial for the “old” them.

When you notice yourself mourning a past version of your partner, name it. Share a memory. “I loved the way we used to…” or “I’ll always remember how you…”

This doesn’t trap them in the past — it honors what was, so you can both move forward without resentment.

Ask: “Who are you becoming?”

Instead of clinging to who they were, lean into who they’re becoming. Invite them to share what’s new for them, what’s fading, and what’s emerging. Listen without trying to fix or steer — just be their witness.

I’ve come to believe that long-term love is a kind of pilgrimage. We walk beside each other through countless small deaths and quiet rebirths. We hold hands through the letting go, and we greet what’s next — even if it looks nothing like what came before.

If you’re loving someone who’s changing, remember: your job isn’t to keep them the same. Your job is to walk with them, and to honor what emerges along the way.

Warm wishes,

Aarti