The shame of wanting too much

Hi there, I’m Aarti, Founder and Lead Counsellor at Incontact. This week, I want to talk about a quiet, tender kind of suffering. It often goes unnamed because on the surface, everything looks good—sometimes even perfect. And yet… there’s a restlessness underneath. A longing that feels inconvenient. A hunger that feels like betrayal. In therapy, I see this kind of inner conflict commonly. Especially in high-functioning professionals. Especially in women. They tell me about the life they’ve built—and then, in a softer voice, they confess: “I want more. But I feel guilty for wanting it.”

If that’s you—I hope this edition helps you make space for your longing. You don’t need to justify it. You just need to listen.

1 Story—The guilt of wanting more

She had spent two decades building a life most people would admire.

Leadership role at a global firm. A stable, supportive marriage. Two teenagers. A home that echoed with weekend laughter and weekday lists.

But in the quiet of therapy, she sat across from me and asked:

“Is it okay to not want this anymore? Or… to not only want this?”

At first, her guilt was louder than her desire.

“I know I’m lucky. I know friends who have none of this. I should be grateful. I am grateful. But… something feels missing.”

She wasn’t chasing extravagance. She wasn’t having a midlife crisis.

What she wanted was harder to name —

More intimacy with herself.

More creative ownership.

More time where she wasn’t performing a role.

More of her life in the life she was living.

She had read Glennon Doyle’s Untamed, and said a line had stayed with her:

You are not crazy. You are a goddamn cheetah.

That line made her cry. She didn’t know how to begin wanting again, without burning down everything she had built.

We didn’t start with action.

We started with permission:

You get to want more. Even if your life already looks full.

Only after that could we begin exploring—not what she “should” want next — but what she honestly wanted to feel more of, in her life.

1 Takeaway—Gratitude and longing can coexist

There is a cultural confusion between contentment and completion.

We’re told that once you’ve “arrived” — successful job, stable family, financial security— you shouldn’t want more.

But human growth doesn’t work like that.

Psychologist Carl Rogers said:

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. Carl Rogers

Similarly, true gratitude doesn’t cancel desire—it creates safety for it.

When we stop fighting with our longing, we can finally hear what it’s asking for.

Often, it’s not about more things. It’s about more truth, more agency, more soul.

2 Tools to honour longing without leaving

Notice your longing without labelling it

Instead of shutting it down with guilt (“Who am I to want this?”), try:

“This is interesting. Something in me is waking up.”

Desire is not a demand. It’s a signal. Follow it gently..

Differentiate fantasy from freedom

Often, we fantasise about running away, quitting everything, or starting fresh.

“What am I really craving? And how can I begin to honour that without burning it all down?”

Start by making micro-choices that feel more yours.

If you’ve ever felt guilty for wanting more, you’re not alone. Longing doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful—it means you’re human. I hope this edition helped you hold both: the life you’ve built and the life that still calls to you.

Warm wishes,

Aarti