The truth about hate in marriage
Hi there, I’mAarti, Founder and Lead Counsellor atIncontact. Welcome to the 18th edition of 1-1-2 Inspire, where we bring you one story, one takeaway, and two tools to elevate your work and life.
Over a decade of counselling hundreds of couples, one thing that I find many are consumed by is the hatred they are receiving, or even giving.
You might think that when there is an element of hatred involved, any relationship is doomed. I’m here to tell you today that it’s not true.
In fact, I’m here to tell you that it’s normal in the course of a long-term relationship.
If we could normalise this emotional reality, couples would gain the ability to focus their energy on repair rather than being fixated on “why they hate” or “what has happened to their relationship.”
In 20 years of being with the same person — and over a decade of counselling hundreds of couples — I’ve learnt something both comforting and confronting:
We all hate our partners sometimes.
This may not be the romantic truth we’re sold.
But it is the emotional reality of long-term love.
Let’s talk about what that might look like, especially when love feels furthest away.
1 Story—When love feels out of reach
In his powerful book Us, couples therapist Terrence Real introduces the idea of normal marital hatred.
It’s the moment when your partner no longer feels like your person, but your problem.
That’s not a failure of your relationship. It’s a result of your nervous system flipping into survival mode.
When you feel threatened, disconnected, hurt — your brain stops seeking closeness and starts defending itself.
The “we” collapses.
It becomes me vs you.
The good news is this: your love isn’t gone. It’s just buried under layers of stress, disappointment, or disconnection.
Your job isn’t to erase those moments. Your job is to find your way back.
In those moments, say to yourself:
And if love feels out of reach in that moment, start with something simpler:
And then—when the dust settles—begin to reorient.
Come back to why you came together in the first place.
What drew you to this person? What values do you still share? What about this relationship still deserves to be honoured?
Love doesn’t always arrive in full colour. Sometimes, it returns in fragments — through memory, through choice, through effort.
2 Tools to find your way back
Here are two tools I often share with couples when it feels like all the tenderness is gone:
Remember who they are (not how you feel right now)
When you’re triggered, your partner starts to feel like the enemy.
But the person in front of you is still the one who once made you laugh till you cried, who held your hand in the hard seasons.
Soften the story in your head. Remind yourself:
Even if it’s just a whisper in the chaos, it can interrupt the spiral.
Re-orient to what still matters
Hurt magnifies the present. But healing often requires zooming out.
Ask yourself:
- Why did we come together in the first place?
- What do I still value in this person?
- What would life really be like without them?
You don’t need to answer these questions in a crisis.
But hold them in your heart. They remind you that there’s more to your relationship than this moment of pain.
If you’ve felt hatred in your relationship, don’t panic. Don’t label it as the end.
Instead, try seeing it as part of the emotional weather in a long-term bond.
Storms pass.
I’ll leave you this thought…
Warm wishes,
Aarti
