Why we self-sabotage (And how to finally stop)
Hi there, I’m Aarti, Founder and Lead Counsellor at Incontact. Welcome to the 14th edition of 1-1-2 Inspire!
We talk a lot about the fear of failure, but what about the fear of success? I’ve seen clients unknowingly push away love, joy, or success—not because they don’t want it, but because, deep down, they don’t believe they deserve it.
Self-sabotage isn’t always loud or obvious. It’s often subtle, masked as practicality, perfectionism, or even self-protection. This edition of 1-1-2 Inspire explores why we sometimes undermine our own happiness—and how we can stop.
Here’s 1 story, 1 takeaway, and 2 tips to gain control over the guilt complex.
1 Story—The client who had it all and then lost it
When Daniel first came to therapy, he had already lost what he once considered his dream life. A thriving career, a loving partner, deep friendships—it was all there, and yet, he had slowly dismantled it piece by piece.
At work, he would miss deadlines on purpose, despite knowing he was capable. “I didn’t want them to expect too much from me,” he admitted. When his partner expressed love, he pulled away, picking fights over small things until she left. When friends celebrated his successes, he brushed them off, downplaying his achievements.
Daniel wasn’t lazy or careless—he was afraid. Success made him uncomfortable. Love felt undeserved.
Deep down, he carried a core belief: “If I let myself be happy, something will go wrong.”
Fear of success, not just failure
For some, failure is familiar, even comfortable. Success, on the other hand, brings pressure—expectations, responsibility, and the terrifying possibility of losing it all. It can feel easier to sabotage ourselves before success can slip away on its own.
The guilt of outgrowing others
Many people struggle with the idea of surpassing their family, friends, or cultural expectations. If happiness or success sets them apart, they fear becoming isolated, resented, or disconnected. So they hold themselves back.
Self-worth and the ‘upper limit’ problem
We all have an internal thermostat for how much happiness we think we deserve. If we exceed that level, we may unconsciously do things to bring ourselves back down—creating drama, procrastinating, or sabotaging relationships. It’s a way of reinforcing our deep-seated beliefs about our worth.
For Daniel, every act of self-sabotage was a way of staying in the emotional space he knew best—one of struggle and self-doubt. Until he recognized this pattern, he kept mistaking it for fate.
1 Takeaway—Your comfort zone isn’t always safe
Self-sabotage doesn’t mean you don’t want happiness—it means you’re afraid of what comes next.
Ask yourself:
- What part of me feels uncomfortable with success, love, or joy?
- Do I associate happiness with future loss or guilt?
- How do I subtly keep myself “small” to avoid discomfort?
Growth isn’t just about chasing happiness—it’s about letting yourself keep it.
2 tools to break the cycle of self-sabotage
Notice the patterns before they escalate
Are you procrastinating right before a big opportunity? Picking fights in a happy relationship? Minimising your own achievements? These are signs that self-sabotage is creeping in. Recognizing the pattern is the first step to breaking it.
Rewire Your ‘upper limit’ for happiness
When something good happens, instead of shrinking away, remind yourself: “I am allowed to enjoy this.”
Practice sitting with joy, even when it feels uncomfortable. Let your nervous system get used to success, love, and peace—without waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The fear of success isn’t about the success itself—it’s about what we believe it means for us. But you don’t have to live out an old story. You can rewrite it.
What’s one way you’ve kept yourself small, and how can you break free from it today?
Warm wishes,
Aarti
