Pets and Loss

Grief is a difficult and complex experience which almost everyone will experience at least once in their lives. The most commonly accepted form of it is grief for the passing of loved ones, such as a parent, a sibling or a child. However, what some may not know is that grief comes in other forms that may not be as widely recognised. For example, one can grieve the loss of their job, as it leads to large necessary changes in their lifestyle. One can grieve the loss of their childhood, as they reminisce on what it once felt like to frolic and idle away without cares or worries. One can grieve the loss of a relationship, as it means they now have to face life without a partner for the foreseeable future. The common theme of grief is not death, but the loss of a treasured physical possession or abstract relationship which is not replaced easily, if at all. A less commonly explored form of grief is grief in reaction to the loss of a pet. The number of dog licenses in Singapore have grown from 70,000 in 2019 to about 87,000 in 2022 (Lee, 2023), so an increasingly large proportion of Singaporeans will eventually encounter this form of grief.

First, we shall explore what grief entails. Grief is a strong negative emotion fraught with pain and almost universal in the human experience, experienced after a loss of some kind. It is separate from mourning in that it represents an emotional reaction of biological origin while mourning is a set of conventionally or socially accepted behaviors (Averill, 1968). The grieving process has a number of deleterious effects upon the individual, including cognitive confusion and preoccupation with the loss, distressing negative emotions like fear, guilt, anger and loneliness, health deficits such as short term immune system deficiency and disrupted social functioning (Bonanno & Kaltman, 2001). However, research has also shown that some significant interpersonal losses can even cause positive changes in identity. Throughout the grieving process, it was found that the bereaved often reported feeling stronger or being a better person from having experienced grief. These positive self-appraisals were also associated with improved health outcomes 12 months after the loss (Stein et al., 1997, cited from Bonanno & Kaltman, 2001).

However, while there is a wealth of research done on commonly accepted forms of grief like losing a loved one or family member, there is in fact a lesser known type of grief known as disenfranchised grief. Disenfranchised grief refers to grief that is experienced due to a loss that is not openly acknowledged or socially supported (Doka, 1999). Because of this lack of social support, the bereaved will generally find the mourning process much more complicated or difficult to get through. This happens because societies have ‘rules for grieving’; for example, someone might be given a week off work for the death of their child, spouse or family member. However, these rules often do not take into account the complexity of human attachment. We can be emotionally attached to a wide variety of relationships and concepts outside of our lovers, children or family members, and feel grief over the loss of such.

Pets are one such less commonly acknowledged attachment. It is believed that the bond between an individual and their pet can benefit owner wellbeing, as a strong dog-owner relationship was found to be associated with better mental health outcomes and stronger feelings of emotional support and companionship (Merkouri et al., 2022). A pet relationship fosters greater ability to form relationships with others through being a relationship that is unconditionally loving and deep, modeling how to pursue more complicated relations with other people and providing a safe space to retreat to in times of crisis. Furthermore, pet relationships help owners to enjoy a sense of purpose through fulfilling their pet’s needs, and provide structure and acceptance which is particularly helpful for owners who may suffer from mental illnesses (Brooks et al., 2018, cited from Merkouri et al., 2022). Of course, there are downsides to this as well. Managing a pet’s physical health and activities can be fairly challenging, and it is a burden that can lead to strong negative feelings of frustration and exhaustion if not managed properly (Barcelos et al., 2020, cited from Merkouri et al., 2022). However, pets can also help owners to manage their negative emotions by showing support or love, particularly salient in the case of dogs, often known for being affectionate. All in all, the impact of pet relationships cannot be understated and it is a stimulating and strong connection in its own right, comparable to or even sometimes surpassing relationships with other humans.

However, despite the extent to which a pet-owner relationship can develop, the grief over companion animal death is not often recognised and sometimes even downplayed by society around us. Disenfranchised grief often occurs to pet owners who hide or downplay their grief over their pet’s death around others because they are not certain that they will receive emotional support from others, or even believe that they will receive negative judgment from others for feeling so strongly about the loss of their pet. This is also associated with a perceived decrease in physical health and higher intensity in feelings of bereavement (Brown et al., 2023), likely because individuals grieving the death of their pet often feel isolated in their experience, and attempts to hide their feelings of sadness and loss create additional stress on top of the standard grieving process, without the social support a standard type of grief would receive.

With that in mind, it is important to understand just how deep and precious a pet-owner bond can be. When a friend’s pet passes on, recognising the importance of the pet-owner attachment bond to the owner is the first step to helping these individuals manage their disenfranchised grief. Allowing them a non-judgmental place to voice their grief can lessen the sense of isolation they feel and provide some solace and social support, which is important in managing grief (Crossley & Rolland, 2022). Overall, grief over the death of a pet is just as painful and visceral as grief over any other loss, and it should begin to be treated as such.